Kids, huh?
by Azure Zangetsu
Summary: Alucard is having a bad day, so he goes out to a bar for a few drinks. After a while, in steps Hans, who's having just as bad of a day. They have some bad kid problems. Review please


Alucard stomped into the bar called _The Brewmaster's Lodge_ in London, England and slumped down into a barstool, Baskerville loyally following his master and lying down on the ground beneath him. The original vampire dropped his oversized fedora onto his 'pet's' head and the dog rested its large, six-eyed head on the wooden floor. Alucard growled softly and rapped his knuckled on the countertop annoyedly. The bartender quickly moved over to the unhappy customer and smiled through his big, bushy moustache.

"Never seen you in here before," the man said, curling his moustache slightly. Alucard sighed and looked around the room with his third eye to see what the majority of the occupants were having.

"Just get me a whole bottle of scotch," Alucard replied. The man nodded and Alucard fished the needed cash out of his pocket before the man came back, not wanting to converse with anyone for a while. Today had been a rough one at best. First, he'd killed the wrong target and gotten his master mad a him, but unfortunately not getting any sort of physical punishment that he so enjoyed. Second, his fledgling wouldn't stop complaining to him about how the blood packets tasted "icky" and stale.

And lastly, Seras was just plain naïve. None of Alucard's subtle advances or comments ever went noticed with the girl. Either she was trying to avoid the subject of apparently "naughty" things, or she was just that stupid. She wasn't like his master, who would give him a hard, very enjoyable, slap on the face or stomp on his foot, or kick him, or punch him, or stab or beat him. Alucard's lips pulled into the faintest of smirks at those thoughts, the times before she knew that physical punishment was a "fun" thing to Alucard. Really, he just got that sick amusement from it, and it was worth it.

As the thoughts faded away, his sour mood returned. Seras was such a dimwit and a complainer. He couldn't stand her sometimes! At times, she would give in to her bloodlust and become what Alucard had meant for her to be, but most times…she was just so boring. The vampire gritted his teeth and growled as he thought of all the times she had teased him sexually without noticing it, and it drove him insane. Integra had clearly stated that he was not to defile his fledgling unless it was mutual, but damn, it was just too much sometimes.

But for now, the vampire had something to sooth his head. His master had always had a bottle of Scotch handy, going back for centuries and generations, even Abraham Van Hellsing. They'd all had a drink, probably because they were the heads of a secret organization dedicated to the destruction of vampires, which was already a tough job. But on top of that, they had Vlad Dracula himself to keep under control. And thus far, Integra and her father had been the most successful. Arthur had been an adventurous man and a fun master, and Integra had Alucard digging through all kinds of things to root out vampires. Alucard sighed unhappily. Those times were gone now that Seras was occupying most of his down time.

No more afternoons constantly pestering his master into a state of anger, at which she would blow his head off or cut him up with her blade. Alucard took the top off of the Scotch bottle and took a swig of the rough stuff. He set the bottle down and blinked hard. He stared at the bottle inquisitively. He hadn't remembered liquor to be so strong, and the last time he had tasted it was when he was "alive" and a king. The bar door opened and a gust of wind swept into the barroom, causing everyone to turn a head to the doorway. There stood someone Alucard didn't expect to see.

It was the werewolf, Millennium's pet and loyal watchdog. Alucard shrugged and turned back around, taking another swig from his bottle. The werewolf walked up to the bar counter and sat down next to Alucard, earning a growl from Bakserville. Hans simply glared hard at the dog to silence him. _Now that's new,_ Alucard thought. _I've never seen him looking so angry._

Suddenly, the vampire began to grin. Maybe this could be entertaining? Alucard cleared his throat, but the werewolf simply ignored him and tapped on the countertop. The bar tender glanced up and Hans held up two fingers. The bar tender nodded and ducked down below the counter. Hans fished out what looked to Alucard like a few hundred pounds! The vampire was suddenly intrigued. What could cost so much, a woman perhaps? Oh yeah, that'd be rich to see the werewolf go into a secret back room with a woman for two hours. He'd never live it down if Alucard got the word to the Major.

Sadly (in Alucard's eyes) the bartender stood back up with two bottles of Vodka in his hands. He set them down and received Hans' cash with a slight nod. The werewolf snapped the top open with two fingers and began to chug the whole thing down! Alucard was amazed. Just how much did the werewolf think he needed?! Alucard was even more amazed when the bar tender brought up two more bottles, and then another set, and then another. After he was done, Hans had three empty bottles and seventeen full ones sitting in front of him. Alucard couldn't resist.

"I've heard of binge drinking, but this is fantastic. You're taking the slow way out!" Alucard exclaimed. The werewolf seemed to ignore him yet again as he chugged a fourth bottle with one hand and pulled something out of his pocket with the other. Alucard saw him scribble a message into a notebook and then show the vampire what it said.

"_You have no idea what kind of day I've had,"_ it said. Alucard rolled his eyes.

"You think you've got it bad?" Hans finished off the Vodka bottle and continued to write.

"_I __**know**__ I've got it bad."_

"You don't have a fledgling to look after," Alucard deadpanned, getting about half of his bottle of Scotch down.

"_We're in the same boat you know."_

"How so, wolf?"

"_It's my job to watch Schrodinger."_

"Oh, so you've got that brat under your wing? At least he doesn't call you for every little spider or mouse that gets into his room."

"_You're right, he throws them into my room and expects me to get rid of them."_

"You don't have to go get his food for him."

"_You don't have to do your fledgling's laundry, nor does she wet the bed either."_

"Oh God, you think that's bad? Mine is probably the most attractive virgin I've seen since my master, and I'm not even allowed to _touch_ her."

"_I get in trouble for when mine touches things he's not supposed to."_

"Mine tries to keep her innocence and humanity."

"_Mine tries to pester everything that hasn't lost them yet."_

"Mine won't even sleep in a coffin! It's tradition!"

"_Mine won't sleep in his bed until he has the hundred stuffed lions he hides every day. Last time, one was in the Major's underwear drawer."_

"Mine always needs me to clean up her messes."

"_Mine couldn't fight a three-year-old to save his life."_

"Mine won't let me watch her shower."

"_Mine won't take a shower unless I'm back-to-back with him ever since he saw __Jaws__ on HBO."_

"Mine wouldn't change her name to something interesting, like Helena, or Demona, or Cursula."

"_Mine doesn't even have a last name."_

"I can't discipline mine at all! Master won't even let me use the St. Andrew's Cross I got when Arthur needed me to interrogate a she-faker!"

"_Yours would stay dead if you ripped her head off and pulled out her heart for stealing your personal things and showing them to the entire base."_

"Yours isn't high-maintenance."

"_The base he uses as a weapons-testing ground __**is**__."_

"Yours doesn't complain to you that his uniform is too _revealing_."

"_Yours doesn't make you dress her when gets up __**every single morning**__."_

"Yours isn't a girl."

"_Yours isn't a boy."_ There was a sustained silence after that, only broken by the sounds of Hans chugging the last three full bottles of Vodka. Alucard finished off his own drink and the two remained silent for a few momre moments. Alucard was surprised that the werewolf had such a bothersome person to take care of as well. He thought that everyone at Millennium lived an easy life. Apparently, that wasn't the case for this one.

"Kids, huh?" Alucard said and Hans scribbled at the same time. At that, they both nodded in agreement. Before Alucard could try to spark up a conversation about the Warsaw incident, he was grabbed by the ear by a blonde woman with blue eyes and creamy brown skin, and Hans was grabbed by the elbow by a short, pudgy man with a white suit on. (Ha, Major's not tall enough to reach Hans' ear! +D)

"I thought I might find you here," Integra growled into Alucard's ear.

"Come now Hauptsturmfürer, you didn't expect to get avay zat easily, did you?" the Major said in an eerie tone that Alucard wished Integra would use one day when she was mad at him. Alucard and Hans shook hands before they were dragged away.

* * *

Integra glanced at the Major and there was a mutual thought between them.

"Kids, huh?" they both said aloud.

"Yours doesn't pester you everyday, Herr Major," Integra said. The Major scoffed.

"_Your doesn't eat you out of house and home in von meal!" _he shot back. Integra dropped her vampire and stopped dead in her tracks. The Major let go of Hans. The two glared daggers at each other.

"Well yours doesn't get some sick pleasure from getting beaten by you!"

"_Vell yours doesn't snore like a freight train all night long!"_

"Well yours…"

* * *

_A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed!_


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